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Friday, July 8, 2011

I Think That Something Is Profoundly Wrong with Me

I don't know if it's this little chunk of brain tissue that I'm missing, or if it's some loose wire within my mind, but there's something inside my head that's just not right. For as long as I remember, I've never felt like I was a part of this world. A part of the human race. A part of myself.

I find the Universe to be disturbing. Perplexing. Magnificent. Bizarre. Miraculous. Disgusting. Beautiful. Hideous. Terrifying. That's it most of all. I find it to be absolutely terrifying. And I can't be happy. I don't think I can be truly happy. Not with the entire Universe--the terrifying Universe--watching me and looming over me. Somehow it feels like I have the weight of the Universe on my shoulders, not because I'm a part of it, but because I'm not.

Oftentimes it feels like everyone else in the world knows a secret they're not sharing with me. How can they be happy? How can they smile? How can they fall asleep at night and dream their sweet dreams? I can't fall asleep--I can't dream--not with the weight of the Universe on my shoulders.

There's something that doesn't work with my memory, I think. Or maybe it's not my memory. But it's something. I look in the mirror sometimes and realise I have no idea who I am. I feel like a disembodied spirit that has just possessed a living man. I feel like a stranger in my own body. Have you ever looked in the mirror and felt like you were staring at another person? Have you ever touched your face and felt certain that it wasn't yours?

I do the same thing with my family. With my closest friends. I look at them and know that they're my family or my very dearest, my most treasured friends. But they're strangers. How can I possibly know these strangers--love these strangers--when I can't even know myself?

I get these moments when I feel like I've just awoken from a deep sleep. I look around me with wide, frightened eyes and try to make sense of what I see. But nothing does make sense. I don't understand it.

I feel like I've been living life with my eyes closed.

And I don't think I'll ever be able to open them.


PeaceLoveandSharpies said...

I really don't know how to comment on this without sounding hopelessly cheesy.

And today's been incredibly turbulent, so my mind is clouded and messed up.
I have so many bubbling thoughts after reading your...but they're refusing to translate into comprehensible words.

To say the least, nothing is wrong with you.
You just see the world deeper than most.
Which makes me love you more than most.

The universe IS scary. It's so vastly huge and at the same time there's another unseen microscopic universe which is infinitesimally small.
Where do we stand? And WHY?
What the hell are we here for?

I'm going to shut up and cut my rambles short.
Sorry for the babblement...

PeaceLoveandSharpies said...

*after reading your post


Bookish.Spazz said...

I'm glad that I can say that I've never felt like I didn't belong in the grand scheme of things (aka the Universe) because I've always held on to the hope that perhaps in some larger macrocosm I would eventually belong.

But that's probably my inner optimist speaking.

That Blond Guy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.