I Think That Something Is Profoundly Wrong with Me

I don't know if it's this little chunk of brain tissue that I'm missing, or if it's some loose wire within my mind, but there's something inside my head that's just not right. For as long as I remember, I've never felt like I was a part of this world. A part of the human race. A part of myself.

I find the Universe to be disturbing. Perplexing. Magnificent. Bizarre. Miraculous. Disgusting. Beautiful. Hideous. Terrifying. That's it most of all. I find it to be absolutely terrifying. And I can't be happy. I don't think I can be truly happy. Not with the entire Universe--the terrifying Universe--watching me and looming over me. Somehow it feels like I have the weight of the Universe on my shoulders, not because I'm a part of it, but because I'm not.

Oftentimes it feels like everyone else in the world knows a secret they're not sharing with me. How can they be happy? How can they smile? How can they fall asleep at night and dream their sweet dreams? I can't fall asleep--I can't dream--not with the weight of the Universe on my shoulders.

There's something that doesn't work with my memory, I think. Or maybe it's not my memory. But it's something. I look in the mirror sometimes and realise I have no idea who I am. I feel like a disembodied spirit that has just possessed a living man. I feel like a stranger in my own body. Have you ever looked in the mirror and felt like you were staring at another person? Have you ever touched your face and felt certain that it wasn't yours?

I do the same thing with my family. With my closest friends. I look at them and know that they're my family or my very dearest, my most treasured friends. But they're strangers. How can I possibly know these strangers--love these strangers--when I can't even know myself?

I get these moments when I feel like I've just awoken from a deep sleep. I look around me with wide, frightened eyes and try to make sense of what I see. But nothing does make sense. I don't understand it.

I feel like I've been living life with my eyes closed.

And I don't think I'll ever be able to open them.